How Not to Write a Dramione
by ANEwrites
Summary: Ever come across a FanFiction that made you facepalm again and again? Well, this is a compilation of all the mistakes you could possibly make in a Dramione fic. Complete with commentary! Review please!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello, people. So today, I was inspired to write a little tutorial. I was browsing around and saw "How Not to Write an Amian" (For those of you who don't know, Amian is AmyxIan from the 39 Clues. So, presenting, How Not to write a Dramione! Compiled from seeing a bunch of poorly written Dramiones on this site. The bold is commentary I've added in for your benefit. So, enjoy! Told in Hermione's point of view.**

How Not to Write a Dramione: by ANEwrites

OMG, hi! My name is Hermione Granger, and I'm 21 years old. **(No self-introductions! Nobody likes that.) **My boyfriend Ron and I live in England with my cat. Today, we're going to the coffee shop down the street, and then we're going shopping, 'cause I love to shop for clothes and things. **(Hermione is not a self-indulged, shopping-loving person. It's just not her.)**

Ron left to get me a cappuccino **(This is the wizarding world.)** and I sat at the table, waiting for him to come back. Suddenly, a really cute guy with blonde hair walked into the café. He had gray eyes and blonde hair and was super hot. **(Guess who? I said dryly.) **He caught my eye for a second and I blushed. Then he winked at me and walked over to another girl at a different table. That girl was blonde too, and had green eyes.

I felt a little jealous, 'cause he was really cute. **(You have a boyfriend! Once again, totally not in character.)** But then I remembered I had a boyfriend. **(Spoke too soon -_-)** So like, what was I supposed to do now? **(Maybe be with him? I don't know.) **Ron came back with two plastic cups of coffee.

"Here you go, 'Mione. I got you French vanilla." He said, putting the cups on the table.

"I hate French vanilla! You always forget things." I said annoyed. **(Woman, he just bought you something! Be appreciative.)**

"Sorry… Here take mine." Ron handed me his pumpkin cappuccino.

"Thanks, Ron." I said happily, **(Moody much? No pun intended)** and stuck a straw in the drink. "So where do you want to go?"

"Let's go to Macy's, then we can head over to Best Buy. **(Why in the world would two wizards go to Muggle stores?) **I need something from there."

"Is it always about you? What about me?" **(Be appreciative, 'Mione.) **I frowned.

"We're going to Macy's. Do you think I want to shop there?" he asked angrily.** (I'd be angry too.)**

"I hate Macy's! What the bloody hell Ron? Do you even know me?" Hermione threw the cup in the trash ferociously and stormed out of the café. **(RANDOM POV CHANGE!) **Ron just sat there passively, **(EAU- Excessive adverb usage) **winking at the girl next to him. **(With a girlfriend like yours, I'd keep my options open too, Ron.) **It was Lavender Brown. **(Of course it was. -_-)**

"Hey Lavender…" Ron began to chat Lavender up. **(Keeping the options open.)**

"Hi Ron." She winked back, and then said, twirling her hair, **(Classic blonde? Is Lavender even blonde?)** "Are you going out with Hermione?"

"Yeah." He replied calmly.

"Well, if you change your mind, here's my number." She handed him a slip of paper with a phone number on it. **(Oh my gosh, guys, Lavender is not a freaking hooker! She's a normal girl with a heart. Stop making her a hooker.) **Call me, she mouthed.

**A/N: Here's a sample for you guys! Review if you enjoyed… If enough people review, maybe I'll continue **** Take this as a lesson guys… It's almost like What Not to Wear, only it's What Not to Write. REVIEW!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So many people asked me to continue, so I guess I will! Enjoy Part two! Once again, the bold is commentary from my point of view. Some people seemed to think that this was a story that I'm commenting about, but I'm actually writing this, you guys. As much as it pains me. I just mix in common errors with my writing. Check out my profile to see the real Dramiones that I've written. Enough about me. Enjoy!**

How Not to Write a Dramione: Chapter 2

Right after I walked out of the café, I felt bad. I mean, Ron just doesn't know me as well as he should. **(If you wouldn't yell at him all the time, I'm sure he would know you better.)** I should fix that between us. But then, as I was walking in the café again, I saw Ron talking to LAVENDER. **(I wasn't aware that boys couldn't talk with other girls while they're in relationships. I still don't understand girls, and I am one.) **I bet he was trying to flirt with her or something! I was so mad. Lavender gave Ron a piece of paper, and then walked out.

Ron was looking at her the way he sometimes looks at me. **(In confusion and frustration?)** It wasn't fair! **(Life isn't fair, honey.)** I saw the blonde guy in the corner looking at me. He had stormy gray eyes with a hint of blue in them. **(Here we go with the stupid eye color descriptions. This isn't Twilight, you guys.)**

I saw a brunette girl at the door. **(RANDOM POV CHANGE!) **She had golden-brown hair that fell in soft ringlets around her face. **(Of course she did.)**

"What are you looking at?" asked Nicole, my cousin. I was hanging out with her while she was in London for the weekend. **(How sweet.)**

"The girl by the door." I said, my eyes glazed over. **(How would you know that? I mean, I know Malfoy is conceited, but he doesn't look in a pocket mirror all the time.)**

"She's pretty. Hey, isn't that Hermione Granger? And isn't that her boyfriend, Ron Weasley?" she said.

"You're right! I didn't notice at all." **(Says the one who actually went to school and hated them?!) **Hermione looked nothing like what she did at school! Her previously bushy hair had turned soft and curly, and her eyes were chocolate-brown, something I had never noticed before. **(Of course you haven't.)**

She was yelling at her boyfriend, and looked like she was about to cry, then Weasley got up and left her. **(How heartless.)** She followed him out the door, but went in an opposite direction. I wondered what had happened. **(So do I, Draco, so do I.)**

"Ron, why were you talking to that slut?" I yelled, furious. **(Oh my gosh, Hermione, you can't just call some one a slut because they were talking to your boyfriend!)**

"She's not a slut. You went to school with her." Ron replied, frowning. **(Rational response from Ron.)**

"So you're taking her side?" I was so mad that Ron didn't see Lavender for what she was, a backstabbing, boyfriend-stealing, slut. **(*whistles low* That's a lot of name calling over there!)**

"No, I'm… You know what, Hermione? You're the one who's so clingy, and needy, and you always have that stupid cat around with you. I'm done. We're over."** (Ron, thank you for noticing this new OOC Hermione.)**

"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked, incredulously. **(It was pretty clear. I mean, you're the smartest witch of your age. FIGURE IT OUT.)**

"Yeah. Sorry, 'Mione. We can still be friends." **(Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends.. My PewDiePie bros out there, you know how to sing it.)**

"No we can't. I'm done, too. You don't know me, you look at other girls while you're in a relationship, I simply can't deal with it anymore. Bye, Ron." **(You're reasons are obviously way more legitimate than Ron's, so you are the victim here. To Draco, at least.)**

"Have it your way." Ron just walked out of the coffee shop like nothing had happened. I felt like crying. It was the worst day ever. I ran out of the café and back to my apartment. **(Seriously, Hermione? You didn't perceive this? You are really freaking controlling in this fic!)**

On the way, I noticed a little store with a cute dress in it. I decided that I could spend a little, because I just broke up with my boyfriend. **(Oh, I just broke up with my boyfriend! Let's buy an evening gown.) **I walked right in. I heard someone come up behind me and touch my shoulder. I turned around, and it was the blonde boy from the coffee shop.

"Hi." I said shyly.

"Hey, Granger."

"How do you know my name?" I asked, confusedly.

"I'm Draco Malfoy, remember?" **(cliffhanger alert. *****half-hearted cheer.*****)**

**A/n: Hope you enjoyed this second chapter! Leave a review, they make me so happy :3 Thanks for reading! 5 reviews to update :P**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated this in a while, I had some time issues, plus I was busy writing real Dramione. I'm timing myself to write this in 10 minutes or less and see how bad it is. ****Switches off good writing skills***** LET's GO!**

Chapter 3

I gasped. He was looking completely different. Like super hot. I'd totes go out with him if he asked me. **(Shudders. Dat language.)** But he was a real jerk to me in school, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out with him too much.** (Oh, and also the simple fact that he was once a DEATH EATER. Just pointing that out, 'Mione.)**

"Oh, it's you." I said casually, making sure to hide my feelings. **(What feelings?! We didn't discuss any feelings!)**

"Fancy seeing you here." Draco said.

"Yeah. I was with my boyfriend but I think we broke up." I said tearfully. **(You THINK. You should do that more often. It suits your CHARACTER!)**

"I saw that. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for everything I did in school and every time I called you a Mudblood." **(Not bad, but could have been better.)**

"It's all right. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance. I guess I forgive you." **(What the heck?! He insulted you at least twice every year on a personal level! Stand your ground! Like George Zimmerman!)**

"Thanks." He grinned. "Wanna hang out sometime?" **(What..? That fast, huh?)**

"Um.." Wait a second. Did Draco Malfoy just ask me out? "Sure! Call me." I wrote down my phone number and gave it to him. **(And you call Lavender easy. I think you're the slut here.)**

"Thanks. Here's mine." He gave me a business card with his name and number printed on it. **(Why the hell does Pureblood Supremacist Draco Malfoy have a cell phone?!)**

"Thanks."

"I guess I'll see you later then."

"OK. Bye, Malfoy." I turned around and grinned widely. I couldn't believe that Draco Malfoy, the most eligible bachelor around had just asked me out on a date! **(I believe it. This story sucks ass.)**

I couldn't believe Hermione Granger had just agreed to go out on a date with me! It was great. She looked amazing. **(Oh, here we go again.)** Her clothes were no longer prudish and loose, but showed off her fabulous curves. Today, she was wearing a stylish, tight pencil skirt, and a strapless blouse. **(What are you, a fashion designer? Or a fashion critique? Or a man?)**

Her hair was no longer bushy and a mess, but fell in smooth curls. **(You said that already. :l)** Also, it was more blonde now. **(Explains her behavior.)**

I went home and began to think about where I would take her. **(You didn't even call her yet!)**

**A/N: Yes, I know it's short, but I had to update this :D By the way, for all my French readers, my contact Amanda'ArtS'Creations has translated this into French. Check that out here: s/9520004/1/Comment-ne-pas-écrire-un-Dramione Please drop a review, as they are much appreciated. Also, on August 9****th****, I will be publishing my new story, 900 Jealous Avenue. Check out a sneak peek first chapter here: s/9206097/7/It-Started-with-a-Limerick Just a bit of unashamed advertising :D Review!**


	4. Update note- edited

**A/N: Hello, people of the interwebs. It's me, the cynical person who writes crap and then criticizes her own crap. #foreveralone :D News is, I opened a Google account just for Fanfiction in hopes of more publicity and also some personal connection with you guys on social media other than Instagram. So if you're on Google, look me up at ANE writes! (I'm the one with the kitty coffee cup) I'll be posting new stories, and also my updates there as well as on Fanfiction. If you want to email me but don't want to use PM, just write me at stephanorules57 . Thank you all! Chapter four will be coming out soon, but in the meanwhile, check out my real Dramione, 900 Jealous Avenue. Link is right here: ** s/9576234/1/900-Jealous-Avenue Enjoy, and I'll see you later!


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello everyone! I know I ticked a lot of people off with the last note thing :( This is a real chapter, promise :D Here we go!**

The next morning, I woke up ready to take Hermione out. **Are we not going to mention the fact that he didn't even call her yet?! **Six o'clock arrived too soon, and I was scrambling for a bowtie and my suit. **Bowties are cool, but are they really what a Malfoy would wear?** A dinner on the boardwalk would be just the thing.

I hoped she looked good, because nothing is worse than a woman who makes a bad impression on the first date. **Or a sexist man.**

I woke up nervous and jittery the whole day, {**RANDOM POV CHANGE!}** and when it came five o'clock, I finally just called Ginny and asked her to style me. **Because you can't think for yourself? Seems legit. **

"Yay! Who's the lucky guy?" she asked. **Are you not going to even mention the fact that she just broke up with your brother yesterday?!**

"Just someone I met recently. In a coffee shop." **The same coffeehouse where she broke up with your brother! And for the record, they officially met in a gown boutique. **

"Oh, coffeehouse love," she sighed. "Girl, you have a lot of work to do." **I thought we established that she's pretty. Why is she ugly again?! **

"I know. I don't even know what to wear!" I cried. **See paragraph three, second comment.**

"I have just the thing!" Ginny exclaimed, and ran out of the room. She came back with the shortest red dress I have ever seen. **Cliché 'Ginny picks out slutty dresses' moment.**

"That is short." I said. "Too short." **See previous comment.**

"But wait there's more!" **If you call RIGHT NOW, you'll receive a second horrible story for the price of one! That's two terrible stories for the price of one! But you must call RIGHT NOW!** She pulled out a pair of red stilettos from behind her back and showed them off like a spokeswoman.

"I don't know how I'm going to stand in those, Gin!" **Oh come on, you're a witch! You can just make them comfortable.**

"You'll do it somehow."

"What about my hair and makeup?"** You seem to have let that go rather quickly.**

"Come here." Ginny transfigured a nearby dresser into a makeup desk and began fixing my face. Light mascara, a smoky eye, and red lips were her specialty, so that's what she did. **To add to the sluttiness of the whole look.** For my hair, she simply curled it with a curling iron so that the curls fell around my face in a cute way. **Modest, aren't we? {Insert sarcasm here}**

Now I was ready for my date with Draco! **Now, I'm ready to throw up! **

**A/N: Well, that's all I've got for today, but look out for the next one soon.. What should I do next? A My Immortal commentary, find a terrible story to comment on, I need some help deciding! Please do the poll on my profile to help me! It only gives you guys more content (funny, hopefully.) ANE, out! **

**P.S. REVIEW, POR FAVOR!**


	6. Something to read That's good

**A/N: Hi, it's me. I know I mentioned the poll in the last chapter, but I realized it wasn't on my profile! So that's fixed now, so please go vote! And I know how much you guys get annoyed when I post just an author's note, so I decided to do some shameless self-promotion and give you a preview of my new story '900 Jealous Avenue.' Review, enjoy, and DON'T FORGET TO VOTE! Your decision lets me know what you want!**

Chapter 1

"Rise and shine!" Draco Malfoy said cheerfully, as he ripped the sheets off of his daughter's back.

"Daaaaaaaddd!" Chloe whined, trying to reach for them blindly. "I'm sleeping!"

"It's nine o'clock on your fourteenth birthday. You can't be sleeping. Besides, the mail just came in." Draco replied, holding up some envelopes.

"Did Mum send me a letter?" she asked hopefully.

"No…"

"I sense a 'but' in there." Chloe smirked.

"She sent you two." The blonde pulled two envelopes from behind his back, one pink and the other cream-colored.

"Yay!" she squealed as she ripped open the pink one. It was a birthday card which read, _Happy birthday, sweetheart. I'll finally get to meet you in person tomorrow, so your father can't keep hiding you from me. Remember, you'll always be my crème de la crème. Love, Mum._

Chloe set the card aside carefully, to add it to the other cards and letters that she received from her mother at Christmas, her birthday, New Year's, and Easter. She picked up the other envelope, which was a bit thicker than usual.

Inside, there wasn't a letter at all, rather, a collection of photos and a note that said, _You might want to remember these people when you come over tomorrow. They sure remember you! _

The first photo was of a dark-haired man with green eyes that she immediately placed as Harry Potter. How could she not know who he was? He worked with her dad all the time in the Ministry.

The next one was of a group of people, all with red hair. The only younger girl in the picture smiled and waved at Chloe. She grinned back.

The final photo was of Hermione herself, gesturing to a blue room decorated with ocean accents, like shells. There was even a really cool mold on the wall that looked like waves. Chloe flipped the picture over. Hermione had written something there.

_Dear Chloe, I hope you like blue! Your father told me it was your favorite color. This is your new room! I've been decorating it ever since your thirteenth birthday. See you soon! Love, Mum._

"Look, Dad! Mum decorated a room for me! It's beautiful." Chloe murmured.

"Yes, well, you've decorated this one yourself, with everything you like. Besides, isn't your favorite color pink?" Draco smirked.

"No. It's blue, silly. You told Mum." Chloe smiled.

"Oh, darn."

"Am I going over tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yes, and you can stay as long as you want to, a day, a week, an hour…."

"I'm not staying for an hour. One week. To catch up on fourteen years in person. We've always sent letters, but it's time I talked to the woman who made me."

"If you feel uncomfortable at all, Floo me immediately!"

"I will, Dad." Chloe rolled her eyes. "No need to be so laid back."

"I'm just watching out for you, Chlo. People can be weird. Your mum and I got married, for instance."

"Well that was a lucky mistake, because you got a beautiful blonde out of the bargain." The gray-eyed witch grinned. "Besides, it's summer. I don't go back to Hogwarts until September. So let's enjoy it while it lasts."

"I fully intend to, my darling daughter. Let's go out for dinner and a movie. Our last reunion before your wicked mother comes and takes you away."

"Merlin, Dad, you're so mean."

"You're not exactly an angel from heaven, either."

"I got that from you." Chloe teased.

"If we're done here, I must go to work. Feel free to invite some friends over, but don't destroy the whole mansion."

"Whatever you say, Dad."

"I mean it!" Draco got up from the chair he was sitting in, and started to walk out the door. "I'll be going. Have fun! And happy birthday! And don't forget to eat breakfast. And don't open the door for strangers, and don't-"

"Okay, Dad, I got it! Geez, it's not like I haven't been home alone before!"

"Just making sure, Chlo."

"I'll be fine. Say hi to Mum for me."

"Will do." And with that, Draco left his daughter to go to his job at the Ministry. He currently worked as the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, which put him in close contact with Harry Potter, who predictably was the Head of the Auror Department.

His ex-wife had a position in the Ministry as well, a seat in the Department of Mysteries. She would be an Unspeakable. She oftentimes came up to Harry's office to chat, or to deliver a message or two. They would also have lunch together, occasionally. But not so much as they used to.

Anyhow, Draco Flooed to the Ministry as usual, and stepped into the first lift he saw. Of course, it was the lift with Hermione in it. Alone. Cursing his luck, he turned towards her, who hadn't yet noticed her ex-husband.

"Hello, Granger." Draco said gruffly.

"Oh! Hey, Malfoy." Hermione jumped a bit, surprised. "Didn't see you there."

"I noticed."

"How's Chloe?" she asked, in an effort to break the ice.

"Good. She says hi. She liked the card. Crème de la crème? Really?" Draco raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, crème de la crème. I rather liked it. I've been saying that for years now, how have you just now noticed?"

"I don't make a habit of reading my daughter's mail."

"Just as well. Is she ready to come over tomorrow?"

"She's quite excited, actually. And she's bringing some posters and things for her room, if that's all right with you."

"Of course. It's her room; she can do whatever she wants with it. I've been waiting to see her for nearly twelve years. Why did you keep her mother from her? She could have needed me. I needed her." She said resentfully.

"Never mind that, you're getting her now." Draco brushed the issue aside. He stepped out of the lift. "Hasn't been a pleasure seeing you, hope I don't see you soon." He teased.

"Ditto." Hermione smirked, as the lift doors clanged shut.

**A/N: Don't forget to review, and VOTE! Links to everything are right here:**

**Profile: u/4223035/ANEwrites**

**900 Jealous Avenue: ** s/9576234/1/900-Jealous-Avenue

**VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! **

**Smooches to you all, and have a nice weekend. :D**

**ANEwrites**


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